Topsy Turvy


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I’ve been given bad news.

The kind of bad news where you wonder what is actually going to happen to your entire life.

By no fault of anyone but myself, I have been denied re-entry to school. I failed to read my mail and therefore failed to communicate with the appropriate people in order to avoid this situation. Lesson learned? Always read your mail.

As strong as I am trying to pretend I am, I am actually really scared. I don’t really know what to do and I feel like I’m not ready to join “the real world.” The safety school provides and the structure it is makes me feel a lot like I have my life together. What now? When things are falling apart and my “perfect plan” is failing, where do I go? What do I do? Wishing it would stop isn’t going to stop it. I’ve found myself alone in a place of sadness and confusion and fear.

Fear. It’s so hard to escape. I wish that I had something to pour into. Something that I could do to keep my mind busy so I stop losing the faith that I had and continue to remember where I always get my strength from. I’m terrified that I don’t have a plan B or a next step. I want to know what the future holds and I have no way to know or even predict. Living in the moment is scarier than knowing something really difficult is coming. At least if you know it’s coming you can prepare appropriately. I don’t even know where to start.

Asking for help isn’t something I’m good at. I feel a need to always do things on my own and I’m not sure I can this time. I just want to rewind and go back to what my life was like a month ago and do things the right way.

I want to finish school.

I want to make enough money to pay off my debt and be content with where I am.

I want to know I’m going to be able to spend the last semester they have with two of my best friends.

I can’t do any of that now.

The uncertainty of this makes me want to cry.

I realize I haven’t posted in a long time. I don’t really have much of an option at camp to post and I apologize this post is so melancholy but it’s what’s happening. I wish it wasn’t, too.

Anyway, it’s bed time. Good night.


It’s All Casual


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I have not been in a relationship for almost 2 years. I’m really okay with this. I even thought that I didn’t want to get married because, 99% of the time I’ve been single, I’ve been perfectly happy and quite content being so. I love the single life! Maybe you find a lot of people saying that but I know a lot of people at my age, in my experience anyway, are either trapped in unhappy relationships or married, whether happily or unhappily, I don’t know. I don’t want that.

I began thinking recently. Maybe it’s not that I don’t want to ever get married. That is a pretty definitive statement and I am only 22. But maybe it is that I’ve allowed myself to enter relationships with people who don’t have the qualities and traits that I’d originally said were important to me when I began dating. I have never been the girl who dates around and jumps from guy to guy. “Boy crazy” is the term. I never wanted to be “that girl.”

But recently, because I’ve been thinking about “getting back in the game” (man, a lot of quotes today!), I’ve been wondering what is wrong with casually dating. It is a great way to get to know a lot of people, find out what is important to me in a man at this point in my life, and maybe break down the wall to get to know somebody a little better.

So I asked my fountain of wisdom (you can find my fountain’s blog here.

She made a good point about the lack of long term emotional connection. Where it becomes morally compromising is when you start compromising what you originally set out to do, when someone starts getting feelings that will not be reciprocated, or, and I quote, “if you start kissing and such all over the planet.”

I told you. Fountain of wisdom.

So, here I go. Embarking on what I consider to be one of the most awkward experiments I have ever conducted (yes, that is really how I have to think of this to make it less awkward for me.)

Please pray for me or whatever it is you do. Haha.

I’ll let you know what happens because I know you’ll be waiting with bated breath.

Selleck Waterfall Sandwich Pics


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Weird right?

I was innocently watching Conan O’Brien tonight and Tom Selleck, who I know and love as Richard from the hit tv show Friends, walks on stage, and please excuse me but, as sexy as ever.

As I’m watching his interview, Conan brings up a website that instantly caught my attention… It is a little incredible and a little disturbing.

Who ever thought to put pictures of this man and sandwiches in beautiful settings… Weird.

Some people have too much time on their hands.

I hope you enjoy wasting some time looking at him. 🙂

Ultimate Punch


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Today, I did something I was taught never to do by my mother as a child. I called someone after 8pm.

Luckily, she has tomorrow off and didn’t want to hurt me for interrupting precious sleep.

I asked her what she would do if I woke her up. Then, thinking of a really hilarious movie (Hot Rod), I asked if she would ultimate punch me. Then I had to explain what that was. For those of you who don’t know, ultimate punch is a reference from a movie called Hot Rod where you punch with both hands and kick with one leg. Anyone who has ever taken any kind of self-defense (or if you just got up and tried this) would know that this is actually useless because our legs are what make it possible to get power behind a punch.

So, with that principle in mind, it made me wonder a little bit. What is it that gives us the strength we need to get through the tough moments in life? Telling a friend some news when you don’t know how they’ll take it, experiencing the death of a loved one, realizing your life is not what you were expecting it to be at this point?

I wonder what has given me the strength to keep going since I have moved home. I have a hard time being away because I have a life, that is actually pretty great, back there and I’m not really sure what my role here is anymore and that is tough for me.

I consider myself a strong person and I am driven (usually) and know what I what I want to do but is that always enough?

I think that strength can come from many places. A friend that I was talking to tonight shared a quote with me I really liked that I think fits well into this topic.

Always make new mistakes.

I feel like this is perfect because it means you don’t have to always be strong as long as you’re striving to be the best version of yourself.

She also said that it doesn’t matter how many times you fall as long as you get up one more time than you fell. I love this because it means you aren’t perfect and it takes the stress of trying to be away.

I hope this encourages you as much as it encouraged me.

Good night.

Impatiently Waiting


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I often say that I have no friends when I am in California and it is mostly true. A majority of the friends I have are far away.

However, there is one friend that I recently discovered lives here full time. She was splitting her time 50/50 between here and a far away land to work but she’s here again for all the time! I went to her house to have dinner tonight and it was wonderful!

While I know I still have the few friends I have, it is always nice to make new ones.

Things have started looking up around here.

We made these plans for dinner last night. That was SO FAR IN ADVANCE that I could hardly wait. I couldn’t focus on work, I couldn’t leave early. I didn’t want to do anything but drive.

Sometimes I forget to slow down end take it easy.

Have you forgotten



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I have a lot of friends that are married. I get along with people older than me and not in the same walk of life as I am much easier than people who are my age and going through the same things.

Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends my age as well. There is just wisdom to be found from a person not in the same situation.

The couple in the picture above is a picture I snapped on Saturday when they (obviously) got married. They are two friends of mine who gave me the opportunity to rethink some things this weekend. Doug and Rebecca have 3 kids. Doug has 2, ages 5 and 3, and Becca has 1, age 2. I love these kids.

The night they got engaged, Becca called me, waking me from peaceful slumber (I LOVE teasing her about that!) and asked me if I would come help with the kids while they were finishing up last minute details of the wedding and on the wedding day and staying with them the night of the wedding and I, being the child loving individual I am, absolutely said yes.

I had an absolute BLAST seeing Doug and Becca and spending time with the kids. Their wedding was BEAUTIFUL.

And it got me thinking. I had to look up the definition of the phrase paradigm shift in order to make sure it described what I experienced and this is what I found.

Paradigm Shift: A change from one way of thinking to another. It’s a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. It just does not happen, but rather it is driven by agents of change.

This perfectly describes what I experienced. Like I said, I know a lot of married couples. It is rare though, that I get to see one start from the beginning, become love, and then turn into marriage. That’s the difference I experienced here.

The two people who’s marriage I witnessed Saturday have been through a lot and in the midst of the hurt and daily struggle of life, they managed to find each other and hold on to one another. No relationship is perfect but as the pastor said at the ceremony, love never fails.

I want to believe this and I have to learn to accept this truth and figure out how that works in the flawed nature of humanity. I know it does because I have lots of friends who are still married. I think it’s not that love never fails that I have trouble comprehending as much as it is that even if someone fails to how you unfailing love, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

I am not perfect. I have hurt people I care about. They forgive me. I have to allow myself to accept this truth openly and allow myself to, when a person deserving of it, open my heart an take the risk of being hurt and learn to tell the difference between a human mistake and intentional hurt. And learn the forgiveness others have shown me.

Two people stood in front of their family, friends, and God and promised this very thing, patience, kindness, love, forgiveness, grace, to one another for the rest of their lives.

Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.

Maybe that is something I can do without compromising who I am and who I aspire to be.


I found this quote on the topic and thought it appropriate.

Thanks for reading.

“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.”

– Ellen Goodman



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My day trip to San Francisco was better than I could have ever imagined!!

I not only got to hang out with a great friend AND meet a new friend, but I got to see my beloved ocean, walk down the strip of piers, check out the sea lions (who have been hanging out at Pier 39 for 22 years now… That’s as long as I’ve been alive!!), and we got to hit up Chinatown.

I have a blister the size of penny (I checked, mom!) and I have a sunburn. I am drained and exhausted and yet I am still reeling from the events of the day!

This is probably close to the best day I’ve had since I moved home. It didn’t cost me anything but lunch and I got to spend some really good quality time with a good friend. Plus, I achieved a bunch of new goals on MinoMonsters during the drive and lunch.


Thank you for the break, world.

Now, here are some more pictures of my adventures today!

They have a lot of really cool abstracty art stuff 🙂

This is on the strip of piers.

Pier 39 aka Fisherman’s Wharf is the most touristy pier.

Sea Lions!!

Me and Tiffany on Pier 39

I Left My Heart In San Francisco


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20120320-230338.jpg For those of you who have sadly never been given the opportunity to visit San Francisco, this beautiful red bridge is what’s known as the Golden Gate Bridge. It is something connected to a lot of memories for me because it connects to San Francisco, which happens to be one of my favorite cities in California.

I took the train there with friends in high school, I drove to Treasure Island to see the fireworks on New Years one year (my mom and the mom of the friend my sister and I were visiting specifically told us not to do anything crazy so what did we do? Drove to one of the craziest, crowded spots on New Years Eve and didn’t even call to tell them. My sister freaked out and made me promise not to tell the moms and the first thing I bragged about to them was going. We didn’t get in any trouble at all. My mom thought it was cool.), my two best friends took me to Wicked last year on Father’s Day. My dad worked in San Francisco when I was little and took us to work with him a few times and gave us Bazooka bubblegum. That is all I remember about those trips! I also went on a number of school field trips there. San Francisco is a diverse and culturally beautiful place and if I had to choose one spot to stay forever in California, it may not be there but that would be up there on the list!

All this to say, a friend of mine asked me to tag along with her on a trip to San Francisco tomorrow and considering its been almost a year since my last visit (and since we were seeing Wicked, we were very dressed up and several men proposed to us), I decided it was time to return once again to this wonderland of weirdos that I so adore.

So tomorrow at…….………6:30 am.……… I will be on the rode with a travel buddy heading for a day of untold adventures. This is where I leave you but wait for the update tomorrow!!

Insert Clever Title Here


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This is my newest I-have-no-life-and-waste-my-time-with-pointless-things thing. It’s a game called MinoMonsters.

It’s like Pokemon for today’s generation. It is the most addictive thing I’ve been introduced to since my best friend Kaylee got me playing Super Mario World on the Wii. (Also an amazing game) My friend Tiffany got me hooked on MinoMonsters and I have been playing it as often as possible since Friday night when I downloaded it to my phone.

Here is my suggestion to you. If you are an iGadget user, I suggest you fork up the measly 99 cents to buy this game and check it out yourself, especially it you grew up in the 90’s. What a great modern twist to an old game.

Good weekend 🙂

Interview tomorrow. Put good thoughts and prayers out there for me!