The kind of bad news where you wonder what is actually going to happen to your entire life.
By no fault of anyone but myself, I have been denied re-entry to school. I failed to read my mail and therefore failed to communicate with the appropriate people in order to avoid this situation. Lesson learned? Always read your mail.
As strong as I am trying to pretend I am, I am actually really scared. I don’t really know what to do and I feel like I’m not ready to join “the real world.” The safety school provides and the structure it is makes me feel a lot like I have my life together. What now? When things are falling apart and my “perfect plan” is failing, where do I go? What do I do? Wishing it would stop isn’t going to stop it. I’ve found myself alone in a place of sadness and confusion and fear.
Fear. It’s so hard to escape. I wish that I had something to pour into. Something that I could do to keep my mind busy so I stop losing the faith that I had and continue to remember where I always get my strength from. I’m terrified that I don’t have a plan B or a next step. I want to know what the future holds and I have no way to know or even predict. Living in the moment is scarier than knowing something really difficult is coming. At least if you know it’s coming you can prepare appropriately. I don’t even know where to start.
Asking for help isn’t something I’m good at. I feel a need to always do things on my own and I’m not sure I can this time. I just want to rewind and go back to what my life was like a month ago and do things the right way.
I want to finish school.
I want to make enough money to pay off my debt and be content with where I am.
I want to know I’m going to be able to spend the last semester they have with two of my best friends.
I can’t do any of that now.
The uncertainty of this makes me want to cry.
I realize I haven’t posted in a long time. I don’t really have much of an option at camp to post and I apologize this post is so melancholy but it’s what’s happening. I wish it wasn’t, too.
Anyway, it’s bed time. Good night.